Glasgow Calling

Attention, visitors to Glasgow!

Things to check out:

1. The view from the panoramic lift in the Moat House hotel;
2. Nice ‘N Sleazy, a rock bar on Sauciehall Street;
3. Sauciehall Street in general;
4. Local band Close To The Ground;
5. Photos of my boss passed out drunk on a sofa;
6. The fact that somehow you can get the best Jack ‘n Coke over there;
7. Black pudding, if you haven’t done so already.

Guess where I was last week…

Fake programmes

Listening to Radio 2, and the Jeremy Vine programme is talking about blogs, which reminds me:
1. I should update my blog;
2. Some people haven’t a clue what a blog is;
3. Other people would rather talk about Star Trek.

I work in a contact centre for a televison company, which deals with public enquiries, comments and complaints. A lot of people will phone in and ask us about programmes they’ve heard of, but can’t really identify. Quite often, we won’t know either (hey, there’s thousands of programmes to be aware of!), so we e-mail the office floor and ask if anyone knows. I like making up programmes, mostly for the entertainment of myself. A few examples:

Q. Does anyone know about a trail of Radio U------ for a dancing competition?
My answer: Yes, it's called HUGO, SHOW US YOUR FEET. That little rascal Hugo D----- presents Radio Ulster's version of Strictly Come Dancing. Farmers from North Down dance their Massey Ferguson tractors around giant fields and obstacles for the entertainment of their inbred cousins! Fun galore!
Q. Anyone know about a programme looking for people over 55? Something about mentoring?
My answer: Yes, I believe it's called MY GRANNY IS HARDER THAN YOUR GRANNY. Pensioners compete against each other over five gruelling stages testing mental, physical and spatial capabilites. Critics are called it a cross between The Krypton Factor and It's A Knockout! I can't wait 'til it hits our screens this summer!
Q. Anyone know what bread the little puppy was in the programme D--- T- E---- last night?
My answer (taking advantage of 'breed' being misspelt): I think he was a wholegrain bread with a nutty crust.

Mundane perhaps, but it passes the day… better than pooing into a pancake.

Fine tuning

I haven’t written in a while. Basically, the website is down for maintenance and a complete redesign. Also, I’ve been concentrating of writing some poems for a new project I’ve undertaken, so there’s not much time or need to update the journal at the moment. Rest assured, I’m still alive and kicking against the pricks, so they say.

I haven’t really decided what my New Year’s resolution should be yet, so if you have any suggestions, please post them. In 2003 I started smoking; in 2004 I drank more; so in 2005 I could either continue this trend of self-destruction, or really vow for improvement. But which one would be more entertaining…?

Drunken lexicography

I don’t know, I’m trying to read a Bukowski poem online, and maybe it’s the garish design and outlay of the webpage, maybe it’s because of the fact I didn’t sleep well last night, or possibly it is due to horrible, tinny, local radio blaring out from behind my desk like a demented bugle player, but heck, I just can’t concentrate. Blur’s ‘Girls and Boys’ rabbit punches the back of my head and I’m wishing it would just knock a little bit harder in order to send me back to my slumber. Hindsight is 20/20, and it now comes with perfect clarity the realisation can vodka and whiskey do not make good dancing partners. Yet they weave they wicked steps through my digestive regions and deliver that gastronomic report back to my central nervous system. It would appear that I was (shock, horror, dark light!) drunk… so how I feel now must be, quid pro quo, what is widely recognised as… a hangover.

Incidentally, did you know that that is no such word as hungover? At least, it isn’t officially recognised in English lexicography. The word is a noun, rather than a verb, so you can’t use it in a past tense at all. Also, saying ‘hangovered’ seems to make even less sense. How strange.

Flood Appeal

*Hungover. Groans* Woah, is it 2005 already?

I don’t know about you guys, but it just didn’t seem right celebrating New Year’s last night in light of recent events with the Asian floodings. We watched the celebrations from London in Mark’s flat, where there was a two minute silence to mark the tragedy. Nikki and I were almost in tears, it just seemed that upsetting.
Pledge what you can, and help out in whatever way possible. There’s a lot of people out there who just simply need your help.


The Disasters Emergency Committee (DEC) representing 12 leading aid agencies, has launched a television and radio appeal to deliver emergency aid to hundreds of thousands people caught up in the tsunami quake.

DEC PO Box 999 London EC3A 3AA.
Cheques made payable to: DEC earthquake appeal.

Other: High Street Banks or Post Office Freepay 1325

Calling: 0870 60 60 900

Online at: www.dec.org.uk

Money will buy:
£15 Will by one family plastic sheeting a water container and purification tablets
£35 Provide family with enough food for a week
£100 Zinc sheeting and timber to help rebuild two family homes

The Disasters and Emergency Committee is an umbrella organisation which launches and coordinates the UK national appeal in response to major disasters overseas. Members of the DEC are: Action Aid, British Red Cross, CAFOD, Care International UK, Christian Aid, Concern, Help the Aged, Merlin, Oxfam, Save the Children, Tearfund, World Vision.

You can also donate online at http://www.oxfam.org.uk.

And at http://www.redcross.org.uk or ring The Red Cross 08705 125125 (appeal line).

Other bodies raising money include Muslim groups Muslim Aid (020 7377 4200) and Islamic Relief (0121 622 0622).
Sri Lankan organizations including Asia Quake Relief Appeal UK (asia-quakerelief@europe.com) are also raising money.